im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
