I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
