Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
