mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
