did you get engaged???
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
