i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
