I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
