If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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