WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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