It's Friday. Sex?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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