I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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