I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
