I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
