I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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