You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
