You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
