you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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