and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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