How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
