Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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