bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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