This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
