and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
