sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
