Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
