Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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