just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
