So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
