Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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