I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
