your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I think i got beer on your cat.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
