I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
