the condom got lost in my hair
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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