I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
