The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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