she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just want to make out with him forever
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
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