There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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