I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
