Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
