Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
