I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
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If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
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I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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