your thong is hanging out like whoa
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
A bitchslap is in order.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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