I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
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That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
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she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.