my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
