I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Randomize
