Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
ok first of all what the fuck
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
