It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
