I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Houston, we have a squirter
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
3pm strippers are depressing
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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