My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
