from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
