it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
