explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
