Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
