How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
