True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
