I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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